“Go find yourself first, so you can also find me”.
What do you think about that?
Lately, this resonates with me a lot… as hard as it is to accept, I believe that, for me, there is no other way. I try very hard – very very hard – to parent respectfully, to give my child what she deserves: respect, a healthy relationship model, available parents… I am focusing on learning, listening, responding, improving ALL the time. I am focusing on her. I feel the pressure, I want to find the right words, turn No into Yes as much as possible, pick my battles and give her space when possible.
So yes, I have been focusing on her, sometime exclusively, forgetting other important things: Focusing on ME! Finding ME 1st , healing ME 1st, knowing ME 1st, understanding ME 1st and respect ME 1st. I am focusing on her not only because I want to, but also because, to be honest, it’s easier to focus on her than on myself.
I want to be an available parent, a respectful parent who can accept & understand all my child’s emotional states – no just the good ones. I want to remain calm & handle my own emotions right 1st to remain connected. Children are learning everyday, small children have trouble coping with a lot of their emotions, so they turn to us – their only source of regulation available – because if everything is right, they feel secure to be themselves around us, & because they feel loved and validated.
After reading a lot on that subject, I found that, our children push our buttons because they are our children, it’s as simple as that. Unconsciously our children stimulate feelings of our own childhoods (especially strong feelings, probably unprocessed) when they act out. We too, are overwhelmed by their strong emotions. My child may be pushing my buttons, but I AM responsible for my actions and what I choose to do with the situation – in other words: “my buttons” are my responsibilities & I am the adult in the relationship with my child.
I need to find ME 1st, support ME 1st, understand ME 1st in order to also find her – in order to be fully present for her & show real empathy when she needs it.
The steps I take to “Find ME 1st” (thank you dear husband for helping me find them!).
- Work on myself: 1st step, recognize that this is a priority and that the journey is long. I learn self-acceptance once a week (for over a year now)
- Go to the gym
- or / and take yoga classes
- Practice meditation
May 2015 be the year you find yourself. May this year bring you calm, happiness and rest.